Fashion

As long as I can remember, I loved fashion and clothes.  I remember liking such frills even before I was conscious of my weight and size, which is why I don't understand why it's hard for me to enjoy fashion now.

I still remember the first time I thought I was truly fat, and it was tied to a fashion moment.  This was probably the year 1990 or so and spandex bike shorts were cool to wear other than when riding in the saddle!  I had an entire outfit: turquoise blue bike shorts and a matching baseball shirt with a cartoon character on it.  I was eager to wear this awesome outfit in public but when I did, I was so embarrassed.  I had loved this outfit when my mom bought it for me, but wearing it clearly made me feel fat. 

If I am right on the date, I was about 7 years old when this happened.

(related: I wrote a poem about this in college and it received well reviews not only from my professor, but a visiting poet. If I can find, I may post it?)

In high school, I still loved fashion and even in college, meaning at different points in my eating disorder, I have been generally ok with fashion and it's stringent rules.  However, after college when I lost weight and then even more weight to a dangerous level for me, my real fashion obsession started.

I felt that being thin meant I was allowed to wear clothes I wouldn't dare consider wearing before.  For example, blouses fit better with not such a large chest to create the gap at the buttons.  Being convinced that I could now wear more styles of clothes catapulted me into the fashion world.  Before I knew it, I was subscribing to more fashion magazines and following high fashion blogs and sites.  NY fashion week became important to watch for upcoming trends to make sure I had an edge on what was going to be in style.  Then, on my limited budget, I would shop for the trends wherever could. Vintage, consignment, forever21, department stores.  Certainly, I could not buy the real thing, but I could fake it (like I faked not being sick, I guess)

Fashion is still something I love, but don't practice as much for a few reasons.  For one thing, my finances must be put to other uses, like our mortgage, health costs, car, etc. Time wise, I can't follow fashion week because I have other things to do with my time and I've lost touch with transforming runway into "realway".  I also live in the country and access to clothing stores are more limited than years ago when I lived in a more suburban place.

Moreso, I am having trouble enjoying it at this part in recovery.  Just tonight, I was looking at the one magazine I still subscribe to and the clothes looked so pretty, but every single model was...the same.  Thin, bony, curve-less.  I found it depressing from so many angles.  I hate how magazines are not diverse in their size depictions, unless there is a designated "plus size" feature - and it is always ALWAYS labeled as such, as if the publication needs to apologize for showing a model of a different size.  This obviously has an impact on me, and the fact that magazines nearly 15+ years later have not changed makes me wonder what younger girls are experiencing still to this day.

Another depressing thing about the magazine is that I can't picture myself in the clothes depicted, even though I recognize many women have this problem.  While it is true that even when I was really small, sometimes clothes didn't look as I expected on me (and I blamed it on my being fat - yes, even then), I still felt I had more access to the fantasy being shown.  Tonight, though, I thought of my own body and how different mine is from that of model, or a magazine image.  How is it I can get excited for clothes I can't imagine wearing?

Lastly, my history with fashion, and fashion magazines, is conflicting. As with anything, I guess there were good times and bad times.  It's difficult to keep the good times with me as I go through this process. What if continuing to be interested  in fashion may not be in my best interest for recovery, even if that is a temporary experience?  Will I ever enjoy fashion again? Or shopping? 

I do want to enjoy these things regardless of my size, shape or feelings on my body.  But perhaps I need to appreciate and at least like my body first before dressing the awesomeness that it is.