Trust

I am learning to trust my body, and in the process, I am also realizing most of us don't. Rather, most of us are taught to distrust the only thing that is truly ours.

We don't trust our bodies to be where they need to be.  We overeat, we under eat and do one or the other to outdo the other. 

We attend new exercise programs like boot camp which teach us discipline, because we lack the discipline over our bodies.  We are following Jillian Michaels and the like because our bodies must be punished - it's the only way to get "results". 

We, especially women, do anything to cover our bodies.  Yes, we all wear clothes, but let's talk about things like Spanx.  Let's talk about all these kinds of restriction undergarments, this sort of bra, this whatever to make sure we hide the parts we don't like. Then we wear clothes over it to hide more, to look a certain way because we don't trust our bodies showing our real selves, or rather,we are afraid of what our bodies may show.  We've equated stomach fat with laziness, with impurity and just plain ugly.

Through my recovery, I've discovering how to trust my body.  It's been a layering of unhappiness, acceptance and even now, admiration.  When I first started restoring my weight, it was terrible (and some days, it still feels like it is).  Going up one size was traumatizing, then two, then more.  I am still unsure where my body is going to land, but I think it is getting there.  Clothing from months ago still fit pretty well which is the best gauge I have since I don't weight myself.

My fear in recovery is that I just won't stop gaining weight.  That I will be so large,I won't be able to even find clothes, move from my bed or drive a car.  It's a real fear I have, but one that I must trust is unfounded.

I've read a lot about set points and based on my previous unrecognized recovery periods, I have landed around the same mark.  I can probably guess I am there right now, but again, without weighing myself,I do not know. 

I repeat this because it's important - not weighing myself.  My doctors knows my weight and it's fine, she says.  Part of my reluctance to weigh is I am petrified of the number, but the other part is,who cares? As long as my medical professionals are ok with it, I can be too.  Perhaps someday I can go to the doctor and stand facing the scale, but I am not there yet.

My point is the number is not the only, or even best, gauge of my body's health, particularly when my tests indicate I am healthy.  I must learn to trust the look and feel of my body at a healthy point.  When I look at myself, I still consider flaws as indications of being unhealthy, but perhaps they are not.  I need to trust this look and feel are right for me.

I have even gotten to a point where sometimes it's even interesting to me to see what my body is going to do.  Since no food is off limits and the good and bad labels are slowly fading away, I eat everything - vegetables and cupcakes.  Lean meats and sausage.  Water, cranberry juice, beer and wine.  I've been able to incorporate forbidden foods into my diet without much happening to my body.  Before, after restricting for a while, I would binge on the naughty foods, or whatever could get my hands on, and I immediately feared weight gain.  I don't have that sense anymore. What is interesting is going for some period of time eating more, such as being on vacation,  and then seeing my body bounce back to the set point, where it wants to be - and naturally doing this on its own.  It happened this past January - I came home from a conference after eating and drinking out in restaurants every night.  I felt bad about my body, and I wanted to restrict and get back on the every-day-at-the-gym schedule ASAP.  However, with a lot of patience, I just continued on my regular eating schedule.  I allowed myself whatever I wanted post vacation and exercised when I wanted to.  Sure enough, I felt back to myself in a matter of days.  I don't know if I gained weight on my conference, and then lost it, or of the temporary gain was just my imagination.  All that matters is I trusted my body and it respected me back.

And here's another ringer going along with trusting my body - trusting my mind.  Again, we live in a society where showing emotions is either a bad or brave thing depending on the circumstance.  It never just ...is.  There is hardly such a thing as crying for no reason, laughing when things are not funny  These are odd and certainly uncool emotions to have in our society.  Anxiety is suppressed  by distractions, and then it fosters itself through anger.  As my favorite band says "Meditation or medication A comfort ,or a promised reward?" (gotta love Rush!)

For most my life, I wanted to know if I had a problem with food and body image, but nothing proved it.  Even I didn't trust my brain (and my body) telling me something was wrong, that I was unhappy and things could be better.  I was just very healthy.  I wasn't small enough to have a problem.  Doesn't everyone think of food and body image 95% of the time?  Doesn't everyone judge their entire self worth by scales and sizes?

For now, Trust.  Trusting my body, trusting my mind and heart when everything around me says no.