Triggers

Food Inc. was on TV the other day.  It was already about half way through but I had never seen the documentary so I stopped on the channel.  At first, it was going over e coli outbreaks on cattle farms and soon switched to discussing the relationship between being overweight and eating certain types of food while simultaneously showing overweight people on the screen.  I quickly changed the channel.

My friend who is 8 months pregnant reposted on Facebook a blog written by another pregnant woman. The title was along the lines of loving your body despite it getting bigger, so I was interested in what this woman was discovering about her body.  Right off the bat, the woman discussed her concern over her eating while carrying a child and then wrote her disgust over being so large as a size Yadda Yadda while being pregnant - a size that for some non-pregnant women is large, for others is small and for others is their size - it simply is just a size!  I decided not to read the blog any further.

Another friend and former professor posted a FB note describing her experience fasting during this religious time and relating it to how many children go hungry every day.  The post was inspiring and thoughtful but included such sentiments as being "lucky" to go hungry but knowing there was a meal that would take care of that, whereas many children don't know where their next meal is.  I finished the note feeling very mixed on the topic of being "lucky" to experience hunger.

All three of these examples have every right to be out there in the media.  There is no fault at all with any of the original writers, filmmakers or whomever shared the posts.  All three of these examples share some great and insightful information in different ways.

They are, however, three examples of how someone with an eating disorder has to "watch out" for what they read.  All three of these in one way or another posed a triggering sensation within me.

I am at the point, as you could probably tell, that I can notice these triggers and walk away.  I stopped watching the documentary, stopped reading the blog and felt a very different emotion after reading my friend's religious fasting experience.

In the beginning of my recovery, falling off the bandwagon was very easy.  It was as if a relapse, no matter how big or small, was inevitable and there was no way I could stop it.  Slowly, I began to learn certain things that indicated I was on my way to a relapse.  One of those is measuring cups.  When I first began eating more, I occasionally would still measure to make sure I was not eating too much -  a tactic I soon discovered was a signal to me that I was on my way to a relapse.  Now, if I get measuring cups out, or look at the nutrition labels, I stop to think why.  What else is going on in my life?  Am I struggling with work?  Did I just have a fight with someone close to me?

It's taken even more effort to realize what I read is triggering to me, or potentially triggering.  The main trigger for me, not surprisingly, is numbers.  As soon as the pregnant woman mentioned her current size, I click off the window.  Anything that resonates with me as an action I used to do, or a thought I used to have, is a signal for me to turn away.  Much like with the "lucky" post - when I was anorexic, I bargained with myself in the same way (I won't mention details - it could be triggering for you reading this!)

I can imagine being an alcoholic is the same sort of feeling.  While I have never been addicted to alcohol, messages in our media are everywhere to get drunk, party with a martini, etc.  People with eating disorders, I imagine, deal with these same sentiments.  We are bombarded with images of thin women, of diets and subsequently supersized portions of food.  In other words, we're supposed to eat all the food but look super thin and control that with diet.  What a screwed up message!

The same goes for our social circles.  Nearly every week, I am in conversation with a friend or family member about food, being fat, dieting, etc.  Some of these friends know I struggle, some do not.  There is no fault whatsoever with them saying these things - they can say whatever they want.  For me, it's finding the strength to divert the conversation, speak up and say it's harmful for me to hear those things or turn the conversation on them, figure out what they are feeling and help them come to a place of happiness with their body and food.

It's extremely hard for me to confront people about diet, body image, and food conversations.  But, afterall, would you brag on and on to an alcoholic about your night of partying and being drunk?

At the end of the day, the choice is mine.  The more I know my triggers, the better off I am to deal with them and keep moving towards being fully recovered.