Shame and Food

When I read an eating disorder recovery blog, or stories from those in recovery, or involved in recovery by support of a loved one, there are ideas I see being repeated a lot.  Every time I read them, I wonder how they hold true for me. Here is what I am grappling with now:

Eating disorders are nothing to be ashamed of.

Eating disorders are NOT about food.

I agree with these, er... kind of.

I understand why these sentiments are written time and time again. For one thing, stating that eating disorders are nothing to be ashamed of hopefully encourages others struggling with EDs to admit their struggles and get help, to validate their feelings and move towards accepting and leaving them behind.  As for food, that's correct:  eating disorders are complicated, messy, uncomfortable and psychological in their own right.

However, let me just say that you know what?  Eating disorders are shameful.  And yes, it is about the food.

We don't want having an eating disorder to be shameful, like what I mentioned above.  We want to shine the light on them, get all sorts of people to understand EDs and hopefully further educate others about this terrible ugliness that are EDs.  Ideally, that should be happening, right?

Sure.  But guess what?  I still feel shameful about my eating disorder.  As of today, this blog has been softly shared on my NEDA walk page, on my Facebook "about me" page and on other ED blogs when I leave comments.  In other words, not many people are finding this.  The majority of my friends, family and some coworkers know my history with my eating disorder and recovery, but they don't know I write about it yet. Sharing my blog still feels very vulnerable.

Furthermore, if I find myself in conversation with someone slightly outside my support network about my ED, my voice shakes uncontrollably.  I feel out of breath, completely naked and unsteady.  I feel shame, and certainly wonder what they think of me.

And I shouldn't feel this way, no?  So why do I?  Is it wrong to have this feeling?  I'm spending years in therapy learning that not only do I actually have/had an eating disorder but that I have all sorts of feelings that are mine, not wrong or right.  See what I find this a conflicting message?  While being told not to be ashamed can validate my feelings, it still leaves me with a bad taste in my mouth (sure, pun intended, why not):  Don't be ashamed, even if that's what you feel.  Call it something else, or, just don't feel that!  How am I supposed to feel anyways?!

I'm going to be ashamed of this for a while, and honestly, I think it's a good thing.  It's part of my process coming to terms with my ED, learning where the shame comes from and dealing with that.  Leaving my shame behind is not only nearly impossible sometimes, but I think premature when we are in recovery.

How else can we say this? How about "Feel whatever you feel about your eating disorder" or  "If you want to tell, tell and within your own boundaries".

Now, let's talk about food.  Very much so, EDs are not about food but underlying issues that "cause" the eating disoder.  The same can be said for fashion and vanity.

But, again, it is about the food.  When you have an eating disorder, you have to face food and change your relationship with it in order to heal.  It is about the food in that regard.  Since we survive on food, we can't avoid it like, say, a drug addict who can take measures to avoid situations where the drug(s) are present.  Alchoholics avoid bars, for example, but we can't avoid grocery stores and restaurants, or even gardens and farms!  Food is essential and we have to face it every single day.  At some point in recovery, usually early on, food is the first thing to tackle for many reasons, the first being weight restoration.  For me, it was somehow the easiest part of recovery (it might not be the same for others)

Again, to say it's not about the food is somewhat correct, but it negates the notion that eating can just start again, or that changing one's relationship with food is either unimportant in recovery, or simple to do.  It's not, and it definitely is very important from a basic survival standpoint.  Going back to mention fashion and vanity, I live in a society where I have to wear clothes and therefore need to change my relationship with that as well.  It's not about the clothes, but it really is.  For me personally, rectifying my relationship with fashion is particularly challenging and something that perhaps it would be best for me to avoid right now, but is something I want to work on.

So, how about this?  We can keep saying these truisms but let's be honest - we all have a variety of reactions to our EDs, those we know with EDs and recovery.  Let's recognize and appreciate that so we can bring those struggling to their natural, healthy place.