The Weigh In

My nutritionist suggested if I was going to weigh myself, that I do so in a therapy session so I could work through it and be in a supportive environment.  Being all brave, I decided yes, I would do that.

But everything came rushing back - the nervousness, the unknown.  I felt like I was right back in my disorder the day of the weigh in- what clothes am I wearing, are they heavy?  What if I just ate a meal?  Should I be drinking water to flush out bloating?  What if I'm the heaviest I've ever been?  No, that can't be..my clothes from last fall still fit relatively well.  But wait, what if they are just stretched to my body now?  I am buying a size larger when I get stuff, but that's only because I'm not forcing myself into a size - I'm buying what fits me for the first time.  Still, what if...what if...WHAT IF.

For crying out loud.  SHUT THE F*&! UP ED.

ED wouldn't shut up though.  And when I entered my therapists office and told her off the bat that I was going to do this, she got the scale (digital!  I always used the dial kind!), I took off my shoes and a deep breath and stepped right on.  There is was.  Number ABC.

(No, ABC is not a number, but it is what I will be referring to during this post for many obvious reasons).

I've seen ABC before and the only way I know to associate it is with "fat" or "heavy" or "bad bad bad".  I immediately started thinking of all the photos that I have where I weigh ABC thinking "do I really look like that?"

This is where ED got louder:

Yep, back here again.  This is where you always land after your latest diet excusion.  You gained about 5 pounds in 9 months - but hey, you've been sedentary most of the year, except for lifting at the gym and - hey! maybe you gained a pound or two of muscle!  Or maybe it's fat.  It's from drinking this summer - and eating bad foods. Will this stop?  What do others see, especially those who knew me many many pounds ago? 

The justification, rationalization, bargaining, fear.  All my ED, all still inside me somewhere.

Oddly enough, we didn't talk through it a whole lot yesterday in therapy.  Instead, I opted on my own accord to talk about other things.  How work was going (better).  How this weekend I literally had SIX things I could have done or was invited to do, which is great - I have fun things to look forward to.  All these things are independent of my weight - they happened no matter what I look like or weigh.

Distraction works for a while, but the shouting in my head continues.  The only thing I can do is combat it with things of love for myself.  To be accountable (and to remember), I am going to put them right here on this (semi) public blog.

I can continue to surround myself with people, stories and images that demonstrate positive body image.

I can make sure I take care of myself - eat no different than I have been.  Wear something that makes me feel beautiful. Do my hair up all nice.  Adorn myself with a special necklace for no reason.

Realize that I don't have to love ABC.  I don't, in fact, I fucking hate it.  But I must MUST accept it.  Somehow, my body has landed here and I am better for it.  I don't have to love it, right now.  I don't have to like it.  This process (accepting first, then liking, then maybe even loving) is something I've practiced through recovery and it helps put me on the right track.

Remember that independent of my weight, I am still the same person.  I'm still working out to the capacity my body lets me.  Just this morning, I went for a swim and while I am not losing weight or appearing like I am getting in shape, I can feel the difference - the swimming is not as hard as it was when I first started doing this consistently a few months ago. 

Know that for one whole year, for the most part, I've remained the same.  My weight may have shifted, but not drastically.  I've been happier, more at peace and putting my learning to good use by helping others, raising money for NEDA walks, etc.  I am not going to drop friends today because of what I weigh.  My husband is not going to leave me because I now know my weight.  These people love me for me, not ABC.

I've worked hard in recovery and I WILL NOT go down without a fight.  I will not give up now.

Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.