Imposter

The stronger I feel I am getting in my recovery, the more of an imposter I feel like I am.

*trigger warning*

I've had the privilege and pleasure of having high level conversations with many peers about eating issues, body image concerns and all that goes along with it -all that make me feel like perhaps I am making a difference or at least letting people think a little differently.

I've gotten so good at this at times, I feel like I can make this into something bigger - into a mission, into a career?  Or something bigger than this blog and everyday musings.

And then, I have times like where recently, it's all been a struggle.  Every meal.  Every encounter. 

Sometimes, I feel like I am just... pretending.

I've made some major, completely life changing moves to aid me along this.  Sometimes, it seems so small and I hate admitting how much this still takes hold of my life.

More frustrating?  The littlest, unassuming things just trigger me like nothing else.  I can read articles on celebrities losing weight, or diet articles into I am blue in the face with irony, laughing the entire way.  It makes me feel nothing ED like at all.

And then, there are the mere second moments that send me into a unbenownst edge of a relapse:

That comment on social media about overweight people not needing carbs because their sheer size already demonstrates their amount of energy stores.

The passing comments from strangers talking about the sizes of someone, the ones I used to be.

The photos of people I know, or don't know, who have recently discovered exercise - their faces - the wrinkle that forms around the chin area when weight was lost (I don't have that anymore).

Knowing my weight, which is more of a long-lasting challenge than I believed it would be.

The fact I still compare - what size is that person?  Do they weigh what I weigh?  What size are they compared to me?  What *do* I really look like now?  Am I looked upon as undesirable?  Am I seen as one of the unfortunate one's in our culture who could do more?  Could I do more?   What about the recovered people featured on the eating disorder sites - are they like me?  Why don't I look like them?  Was I just not sick enough to be recovered and still look slim?  What is wrong with me in thinking this?

As much as this is tough, I've tried to keep any discussion or thought just as it is - a conversation we can all learn from.  Thoughts like above make me think recovery is on the other side of the globe - unattainable.  But, is it ok to admit I am far from recovery but still providing support for others?  Or am I the one who needs to support and I need to put aside being an aly, or advocate?

It's complicated - I feel so recovered, but still at bat at home plate, and I keep fouling out.  Or I hit the single and get out at first.  And some days, I feel like I hit a home run, but after every home runs comes another at bat - what will I do then?  What will happen?