Bikini

When I was younger, there was no way I would be caught in a bikini.  That would a living hell to have to go through that.  Even at my smallest at the beginning of my ED in high school, my swimsuit was a black no frills one piece which I hoped would slim me down more.  How...boring!

About ten years ago, I finally ventured into the tankini land.  Here was a two piece that covered all my flaws!  Or at least my mid section, the biggest flaw of them all.  But after a while, even that got to be boring and somewhat silly - it was just a one piece that was detached, quite honestly.

I always envied the cute little bikini or two piece swimsuits I would see in stores, never thinking I "could" wear them.  Then, somehow about six or seven years ago, I found one I loved and decided to try it on with some sort of confidence I had never had.  To my surprise, I purchased it, wore it a couple times and I still have it, even though I don't wear it.  My body has gone through enough changing that the fit isn't quite right anymore.

From that first bikini, I tumbled deeper back into my eating disorder, losing weight and acquiring more two piece swimsuits because I finally felt like I had earned it...at the same time, feeling like an imposter.  I was "small enough" to wear them, but still so imperfect.  Even at my lowest weight, my body shape was still the same, just smaller.  I still had a belly and love handles no matter what I ate or exercise program I took up.

As I am more recovered, I figured my bikini days were all but over.  I would probably go back to the tankini, or even one piece simply because I don't have the body I used to.  But then, I think why should I have to do that?  What if I don't want to??

Probably the best thing I've seen on Facebook all year is a little meme that states "How to get a bikini body: put a bikini on your body."  It sounds so simple, and probably because it is, but society has deemed wearing a bikini to be more complicated than that.  One must look and act a certain way to be worthy of a certain piece of clothing.  Why?  Even more so, two-piece swimsuits come in most sizes and are sold separately to interchange colors, styles and sizes.  Even more is changing with the growing popularity of the "fatkini", which by the way I think is awesome - how glam do those ladies look?  Women without the shape of an ironing board but with curves, shape and dare I say...fat!  These women are working with what they have - they are putting bikinis on their body and getting a bikini body. Rocket science, I tell ya.

This weekend, my husband and I rode the motorcycle up to a beach and I looked at all the bodies there.  In an "ED" like fashion, I started pinpointing the perfect bodies with immediate comparisons to myself (who was wearing biking jeans, incidentally!)  But I found it harder and harder to find those perfect bodies because they were all so unique and perfect in their own ways, as is my body.  You had the younger ladies in neon sting bikinis (such the rage it is now), women my age in sportier bikinis, or tankinis.  Older ladies in lovely suits, some which were flattering, and maybe others that were not.  And lets not forget the guys who have even less choice than the women to cover up!  What I am getting at is every body is so different and they were at the beach to hopefully have fun with their families, or get lost in a book (or their iPhones - seriously).  It is not a runway fashion show or a contest to see who wore it best. 

Thinking back to all those times on the beach where I was self conscious... no one really noticed me.  Or if they did, they probably thoughts things like "why is that girl looking down all the time?" or "why does she look so sad and scared?"  And I'm sure even on those days I felt the fattest sitting in my swimsuit by a pool or beach, someone looked over at me and thought "wow, she looks so good"  or "that girl looks like she is having a blast with the people she's with!"  And even if I was silently criticized, why is it my problem that someone else feels uncomfortable with my imperfections?  Since when is that going to ruin anyone's day?  From my experience, those who criticize feel the worst about themselves.  The times I find myself comparing my body or self to others are the times I'm feeling low - and the comparing never makes me feel better.  Not once. 

So here's hoping if I get to a beach this summer, instead of worrying about what I'll look in a swimsuit, I'll think "I can't wait to show off my new bikini body!"