Fitness

I had a great holiday weekend!  The weather was great, I spent some time on a beach, watched some fireworks and got some exercise.

Exercise?  Did I run a 5K or go out for hours on my bike?  No.  I did what I learned is intuitive exercise, that is exercise that may or may not be strenuous but that is mostly unplanned.  My role model Jenni Schaefer taught me all about that :)

What did I do?  On the fourth, since it the weather was cool, I did some light cleaning around my house. I even took some scrub brushes to the bathrooms and Windexed down the glass surfaces.  Saturday, while at the beach, my husband and I walked around some in the sand.  I got into the water a bit and swam a couple strokes.  We took another walk out by the pier and then into town.  Yesterday, I made sure to do a whole suite of PT exercises for my foot and I got on my bike trainer for about 10 minutes to do some easy spinning so I am strong enough when I want to take those rides down by the lake again. Also through the weekend, I picked some wild black raspberries, fed and watered our ducks and did some light yard work, like removing piles of weeds that were cut down a week ago.

I'm sure for many people, my exercise routine isn't really that, perhaps even quite laughable.  However, just this little bit recently has been doing wonders for my mind.  Maybe it's not giving me six pack abs, but I am feeling more settled and clear about things.

I realized something this weekend - I was able to enjoy three days of summer for the first time in years.  For the past five or six summers, my time has been packed with training schedules for this running race, or that bike ride.  While those are activities I enjoy, it left very little room for...living.  I could go out this whole weekend and not think about anything else but the present, about having a good time.  It didn't matter if I got my run in before the fun happened - and reflecting now, how often did I use that run or ride as punishment?  As if fun or food were not to be allowed if that didn't happen?  I treated myself like a child who had chores to do before going outside to play.

Another thing missing from this summer (mostly)?  This expectation that summer = fitness.  The expectation that due to the weather and being outside, my body will adapt be be fit, whatever that means.  That summer means tons of fresh food available will mean less time eating "bad" food and thus I will be fit, or I will be thin.  Summer is a great time for EDs to kick in for a variety of reasons.

Right now, I'm just me, fit or not.  Sure, I miss feeling strong and there are parts about the training regimens I miss, but by and large, I know there is a balance to be found between exercise and life and I'm hoping to find the sweet spot even as I reintroduce exercise into my life.


Fitness is a strange sensation - while it feels great, rest also feels great.  Listening to your body feels great and while this past period of rest for me has been exhausting and frustrating, it's also been cleansing in its own way.

From an outside perspective, I am seeing how my peers are getting on the fitness bandwagon.  For health, social benefits and fun, it's a great thing.  What's not great is the comparisons.  For every person I see getting fit, they seem to put down their former selves, a very familiar sensation for me as I considered (and sometimes still do) my thinner self to be my better self.  I saw someone just today on social media lament how being fit now is something they wish they had found years ago because back then they were supposedly not as good of a person now.  While I am sure this person maybe feels differently, why put down the past? Why is fit better than something else?  Why can't it just be something else, not really better or worse?  Just different. 

Health wise, being fit can reap some positive rewards, but noticed I say "can".  When I was very fit, I was also very sick and had unhealthy relationships with my food and exercise - so much so, it infiltrated into other areas of my life.  If I was running a race on a weekend, I wouldn't dare make social plans, even with my husband.  I had to eat and drink certain things to make sure I was prepared for my race.  Or maybe another way of putting it was I wouldn't allow myself to eat or drink certain things in preparation for running of cycling.  While it's smart not to go out and get drunk on a Friday night and get up a few hours later to run 10 miles, what harm would one beer have done?  Or eating the damn french fries because they tasted good, not because I would "burn them off" the next morning?  Again, where is the fit/life balance?

It's also hard to recover in a world that is drinking the Fitness Kool-Aid.  Here I am going the opposite direction - putting on weight, exercising less, eating more - these are things that are condemned by society.  But for me, it's been the right plan, and this time is better in addition to being different.