Tracking

If there is any proof I still have a long way to go to somehow get over this recovery hump, yesterday was it.

Last night I realized that every single thing I ate yesterday was tracked.  I didn't write anything down physically but my mind sure kept the list nice and tidy.  In fact, I can play it out right now.  All the food I had yesterday came with some analysis of why the food was "bad' or "good".  What's sad is I still do this almost everyday without realizing it, without wanting to.

*Trigger warning* - food, portions, food tracking



I woke every morning with a cup of coffee, which went alright.  I don't stress over the amount of half n half I put in or the fact that it's full fat.  The great thing about being a semi-coffee snob is that fat free or fake creamers do NOT fly with me!

Breakfast, I made myself some honey nut cheerios and 2% milk.  I had meant to pick up just regular cheerios from my local Menonite market, but because all the packaging (or repackaging?) looks the same, I picked up the honey nut.  Thoughts on eating this:  All that extra sugar coating the cheerios is bad.  But it did taste pretty good.  However, note to self - must pick up regular cheerios next time.

My morning snack was local homemade plain yogurt mixed with my strawberry jam, which is really homemade, as in made in my home.  Thoughts on eating this:  Ugh, I've had dairy twice in a row since I had milk this morning. 

Pre-lunch: After a webinar and before meeting colleague for lunch, I felt a bit hungry.  I snacked on some honey wheat pretzels I had in my office.  Thoughts on eating this: Great, more carbs...just what I need.  And I am eating lunch with some people soon, why can't I hold off?

Lunch:  At a Greek restaurant off campus, I perused the menu looking for something healthy but good sounding.  I didn't want just a salad, or soup (the latter is a favorite "diet trick" from a couple years ago).  I settled on a falafel pita for a few reasons.  It had chickpeas, greens and came in a whole wheat pita.  It was also labeled vegetarian and while I am very much not a vegetarian, for some reason yesterday that registered as "healthy" to me.  When it arrived, it was quite yummy, but again, thoughts on this?  The falafel balls looked fried, or at least covered in breading (more carbs, bad!).  The pita chips it came with, oh they look really fried.  And salty - salt it bad for you too.  And, more carbs - bad bad bad!

I didn't have my afternoon snack since lunch did keep me full through the afternoon.  Instead, when I got home from work, I noticed my husband had picked up some more fresh grown strawberries during his daily travels.  I had a few because they were so good.  Thoughts on this:  These are so yummy and fresh!  I love summer!

Dinner:  My husband and I pulled out two chicken breasts from our freezer that morning, and boneless skinless chicken breast (or BSCB) is quite literally the most boring piece of meat in the world.  It's SO hard to keep something like this interesting to eat, yet simple.  I went to Pinterest to find some sort of seasoning mix I could make to quite literally spice things up.  I clicked on about four photos that links to blogs labeled "healthy eating" or "skinny eating" or "clean eating" or what have you.  One of the links listed the calories, which was really unwarranted since it was just BSCB with non-caloric spices..  I settled on a seasoning that included a little brown sugar, mustard powder, garlic powder, salt and pepper, mostly because I had all these things on hand.  I rubbed it on the BSCBs and my husband grilled them outside.  For our sides, because I was feeling particularly lazy, we had Annie organic macaroni and cheese and I roasted some asparagus in our toaster oven in thyme and rosemary infused olive oil.
So, thoughts on dinner:  I wish the rub didn't have brown sugar in it - that's just more sugar.  I'm sure I could have used less salt too.  The macaroni and cheese is tough - it's not bright orange like Kraft but the cheese powder is still processed.  I guess it's ok since we used yogurt to make the sauce - but OMG yogurt and dairy AGAIN today?!  The asparagus was good.  Healthy.

Once finishing dinner, I had a craving for a brownie sundae, which incidentally was one of my favorite binge meals in college.  Yes, meal - I would substitute things like sandwiches and other food for a plate of brownie hot fudge sundae.  A lot.  Last night I blamed on the monthly woman thing and the fact that I love even just a little bit of chocolate after my dinner.  I told my husband my craving and he said we should go out to our local ice cream stand and get something.  Immediately I said no, but then I thought "hey, I don't have to turn down things anymore - I am recovered!  Or something like that!"  So, we went and split a small brownie sundae.  I'm sure my husband ate more of it than I did, and it hit the spot until I stopped eating at the full point and instantaneously felt terrible.  This was just more sugar I did not need.  More dairy (again and again!)  How am I going to maintain a sweet spot of recovery if I keep doing this?  So on a so forth.

Looking back on my day, the only things I felt good about eating were the strawberries and the asparagus. Oh and the coffee.

What am I to do?  Just eat strawberries and asparagus?  Some would say yes.  The clean food, paleo and whole food movements, while with good intentions, have given me and probably many others who have eating disorders this idea that the only thing our bodies can deal with are virgin foods - ones that have been untouched, unprocessed and even organically grown without a spec of pesticide.  Thus other foods, no matter the calories, now have the "bad" label.  Whole foods are healthy and great, for sure.  They carry plenty of nutrients, taste wonderful and can be consumed pretty easily.  For example, you don't have to do anything to prepare strawberries - you can eat them as is.  Annie macaroni and cheese on the other hand?  There are steps to the process to make the dish.  Plus, it comes in a - gasp!  BOX!

Where does this leave the other foods?  I still want - and quite frankly believe that I need - things like grains, dairy, meats with marinades or spices and a bit of sugar to satisfy my sweet tooth.  The world is barking NO NO NO! at me when it comes to these things, and my nutritionist is telling me to eat whatever I want in moderation when I feel like it.  Days like yesterday, I'm not sure who to believe and it leaves me feeling anguished.

I know that eating all the foods and having normalized patterns of eating is best for me.  The trick is when the word "health" is involved.  I'm petrified my new way of eating will lead me to these things that are claimed everywhere - heart disease. Diabetes.  Cancer.  When these issues are mentioned, diet is almost always blamed, and while it plays a role, so do other things like genetics, environment, lifestyle and just shitty luck.  Our society is becoming obsessed with the notion that food is the number one most important factor as to why, frankly, anything happens to us.  Why is that when there are other explanations, when there are sometimes just no answers?

Whatever happened yesterday is over.  I ate a certain amount and variety of food and that's what it is.  Today is new, and I might eat some of the same foods and I might eat different foods.  I'm hoping food can just return to being food and not some judgement of my health or future of my health.