Conferencing

Ahh, conferences.  They are just something, aren't they? You get to travel to new places, hopefully cool ones and one's you've never been to.  You meet a ton of people, or you see the same people year after year.  You also eat out almost every meal, get to enjoy the barrage of open houses (with food) and vendor parties (with food and often drinks) so they can get you to buy stuff.  The days are long with programs, food and many many post-session drinks at the bar with colleagues.

If you are someone who struggles with disordered eating, conferences can be a nightmare.

It's somewhat like traveling on vacation, except different (well yeah, duh).  It's harder to turn down those dinner invites, the lure of sharing appetizers with new people you've just met and knocking back a few pints into hours you're no used to staying out until (even if it's still quite early).  You are expected to spend most of your time among people in your field and work the room, profession and whatever else fits into your career of choice.  Then you get up the next morning and have to act completely on your game, hangover or not, and are expected to do the same that day.  When you're on vacation with family, it's easier to say to the people you are with "You know, I'm not up for ice cream tonight.  Let's go back to the hotel and relax."  Or "Yeah, let's go out tonight and live it up and sleep in tomorrow". Conferencing does not allow you to do that and one is expected to work and work at the fun of it all as if we're on a game of Survivor.

This morning I met with my nutritionist and shared my conferencing concerns.  How am I going to navigate all these food and social situations?  Will I get the variety of foods I aim for everyday?  How can I stop myself from feeling bad when all I've eaten is carby, sugary food for a day?  Or, how can I stop myself from feeling guilty for when I make the healthy choice when I really did want the carby, sugary thing to eat anyways?  What about everyone else complaining about food's health or lack thereof in social settings?

I'm fortunately less anxious this time around than I have been in the past when attending big events like this.  I am not restricting this week.  I'm not making plans for how I will eat, well, not too much?  Here is where I am confused.

Talking with my nutritionist today, she and I discussed some tricks I could keep up my sleeve for when I'm feeling a little ED-like in certain situations.  I can make sure to have some structure to my day, or part of my day, where I know I can have some control over my eating situation and feelings around that.  For example, I can make sure to get breakfast every morning before the day's meetings start and find a store to grab some snacks to take with me so I am less likely to feel anxious about my next meal in a social situation.  I can also make sure to take some mini-breaks from the conference just to take a quick walk or meditate so I'm not thinking of anything other than my state of mind.

So why am I confused?  Well, frankly planning about how I wont' plan too much is a little... contradictory!  While I have these tips and tricks in the back of my mind, that is where I want them to stay.  Right now, they seem to be front and center.

For example: knowing I could go to a local grocery store to get some healthy snacks so I don't feel uncomfortable around the other stuff is great, but is it really?  Immediately, I was reminded of an experience that was not so great...

In April of 1998, one year into being a "successful" anorexic, my parents took me to Williamsburg, VA on spring break.  We hardly went on vacations so this was a huge deal.  Yet, I was so scared of what I was going to eat down there that I begged and pleaded for my mom to pack bagels (my safe food) for the trip so I could eat them for lunch instead of the food down there.  I probably also convinced them that, economically, it would also make sense, and since we were traveling by car, we could just pack them with the rest of the stuff.  So, that's what I did.  I spent a wonderful trip eating stale bagels and nothing else for lunch and left the terrorizing to dinner time where we would be in a restaurant.  I don't remember what I ate, but I can venture to guess I ordered every salad that colonial Williamsburg had to offer (hurray...)  The point of my story is I planned exactly what I ate for certain meals during this trip and other than a few other details from the actual vacation, I remember more the damn bagels and my exact size and exact weight during that week than anything else.  What a f*cking shame. 

This is what I don't want to happen now in my life, but maybe I can find a balance. The truth is, I know that certain events and situations can still trigger me so allowing myself to be flexible and yes - going to the store to buy the fruit instead of eating the pastry for a snack - is ok because that is where I am at right now.  I know my body wants all sorts of food, and to feel my best and not let my ED get the best of me, that is something I can do.  Understanding why I may be making these choices - and making sure they are not completely ED fueled - can help too.