Jillian

Slowly, I am getting rid of anything that reminds me of my ED.  Old clothing, books, even certain foods that I ate all the time in efforts to not eat other things. 

I am now ready to part with my beloved exercise DVDs.  They are mostly Jillian Michaels and I haven't touched them in quite some time.  For one thing, I am still recuperating my Achilles tendon, but even if I was well enough to exercise, I highly doubt I would want to use these tapes again.  And if I did?  I would know there was something wrong and I would have to figure out why I wanted to workout to these tapes in the first place.

Jillian made me believe she was a friend of mine.  She loved to bark at me through the TV set, reminding me that, yes, I wanted to fit into my skinny jeans again, and that, yes, I wanted 6 pack abs so I'd look hot on the beach.  Even worse, she would manipulate me into thinking because I was exercising like a fiend, I was taking care of myself.  I was worth it, this was my time and this is they way I could be the best "me".  Now do 20 burpees, faster Faster FASTER!!!

I've come to realize Jillian really doesn't care about me, or perhaps any of us.  I'm sure her heart is trying to be in the right place - after all, a life of balanced fitness and health is a good one and that is the gospel she aims to preach.  However, the measures she goes to convince us that boot-camp style workouts are the way to go are nothing more than a reflection of her lifestyle, which is to make money off of these tapes, her Biggest Loser stints, and other forms of media.  It is her job to make us feel like we need her workouts to feel better.  If her tapes told us we are fine the way we are, she would be a lot less wealthy for sure.

While I now know Jillian is not looking after my bests interests, I still discovered that after reading and listening to interviews with Jillian, we have a lot in common.  I can recognize certain behaviors in her that I used to do myself, or would do if I were still with my ED.  The one that stands out is the fact Jillian says she will pour candle wax on her food in restaurants when she feels she has to stop eating.  How is this normal behavior? 

In any case, these realizations made me finally say the hell with her DVDs and workouts.  They need to go to a new home.  So, I went to Facebook and offered the DVDs up to anyone who wanted them.

Immediately, I got three requests from friends to get a hold of these DVDs.  Sure, it was a good deal (I'm not asking money for them) but it made me wonder, what am I doing?  I felt guilty offering up, for no cost, something that was abusive in my life to others who might feel as inflicted by these tapes.  Am I doing a disservice?  Should I have a cleansing bonfire with these tapes?  Do my friends need to be subjected to this?  Why do these people even want these in the first place?

That's when I realized that while I found these tapes to be unhealthy for me because it fueled my eating disorder, it does not mean it will do the same for them.  While I believe most women in our modern society have ED-related feelings, it does not mean they will be pushed into a full-blown ED like I was, or even a sub-threshold ED.  Still, the risk is there and I feel somewhat responsible giving away videos I find quite immoral and harmful.

The important thing for me to remember is I am ridding of these DVDs because I don't want - and can't have - them anymore.  In the end, I am responsible for me and my reactions to what is around me.  I hope my friends use these tapes in a moderate, healthy way, and if not?  I hope they know they can ditch their old friend Jillian and talk to me, Jill, instead.