Does this NEDA walk make me look fat?

I've had a rough week and I've been away from home to spend time with my father who is recovery from heart surgery.  It has been stressful, sleep-depriving and tense for everyone.  It's the perfect storm for my ED to show back up, but it really didn't.  If I had the thoughts, I immediately knew why, and moved on.  Given the circumstances, I did extraordinarily well.

This morning was the NEDA walk in Syracuse, NY near where I live.  I spent months raising money and slowly revealing my story to the world via fundraising and other means.  To miss this walk would be a shame, but I knew I also had more important matters to think of.  Still, recovery is teaching me that in order to care and love others, I need to care for and love myself as well.  I decided I would make the three hour trip back to do the walk, if nothing else, to get my mind off of my stresses elsewhere and get a little fresh air.

When I showed up this morning with my husband and close friend, it was a beautiful morning.  The rain had just passed through and it was seasonal for early May.  We got out packets, checked in and walked up to a pavilion with vendors and information tables.  We put on our NEDA t-shirts like everyone else, and then something strange happened.

Suddenly I was looking around and comparing myself with others.  Without warning, my ED was spending time right there beside me.  I was thinking "Do I look sick enough to belong here?" and "Do I look recovered enough to belong here?"  and a bit of (shamefully!) "I wonder who here is suffering, in recovery, or recovered..."

That's the shitty thing about EDs.  Where you'd expect it to show up (family illness, obvious stressors), it seems to stay away.  But the times you'd think it would be MIA, or there is no explanation as to why it would show up... BAM!  There it is!

It was important I recognized this at the walk and try to figure out why.  First, whatever expectation I had of the NEDA walk had to be checked at the door, including the thought I would feel victorious and strong or anything else I may have thought.  It was going to be what it was, which was incredible, inspiring, fun, beautiful and heartwarming.  But it was also emotional, weird, difficult and vulnerable.   Secondly, what if I was just having a stress hangover so to speak?  Or, what if doing a NEDA walk just puts my ED back on my mind?  Or, maybe I don't know still why I went to that place this morning??  Regardless of the reason, I did everything in my might to put it aside.  I looked at the lovely park we were in.  I chatted with my supporters.  By the time the walk started, I was coming back to my recovered self.

Later when the keynote speaker, Jill Ouikahilo, performed African drum, dance and gave her speech, I was reminded of how recovery is like a roller coaster.  In the good times, sometimes it seems so simple and so easy.  You feel empowered by how far you've come, and perhaps even able to help and inspire others.  Then there are the times where something goes over that first hill on the ride and rushes down towards the curves at the bottom, like my feelings this morning.  I believe another correct term is ... what the %^&*!  It makes no sense and it sometimes feels devastating.

So, in short, I still get tripped up even when I feel like I make strides forward.  I hope for the day where this won't happen, but to be reminded is to try and work harder.  Days like today were great for that, and I mean that in a positive way.  

By the end of the walk, my ED thoughts were mostly gone.  I had won a raffle prize and felt really supported by my loved ones.  Despite everything, I was glad I went and hey - I got a brand new t-shirt to show off.