Friends

Spending time with friends or in social situations with an ED is really tough.  I'd also argue that it's just as tough when you're in recovery, or perhaps even fully recovered.  Let me explain why.

When you're at the bottom of the barrel with your ED, there is a lot of planning that goes on around social situations.  I'm not talking balloons and party favors.  I'm talking food.  Here are some planning thoughts that used to go through my mind - sometimes weeks before -a social encounter (*POTENTIAL TRIGGER WARNINGS*)

Will there be food there?  Should I not eat so I can save my calories for the party?  Or, should I eat so I don't eat all the stuff?  What if I do eat beforehand and then end up eating a lot?  How can I control what I eat around my friends and others?  I really don't want them to see my eat, and if they do, it has to be in a controlled, healthy way because everyone always comments on how I am such a healthy eater, which means I am a special person; I am strong! I can't let them down!  Maybe there will only be healthy food there.  Oh wait, we're going to a restaurant?  I will look online at the menus and calories if I can, that way I will know days before the event, exactly what I am eating and how to ask for it to be prepared, and exactly what I will say to friends when offered anything that is not on my plate.  I won't be hungry yet for appetizers, and I will be too full for dessert.  I will drink extra diet soda to fill me up because I know damn well that salad is not going to keep me full.  Or maybe I will just drink water with some lemon.  And I must make sure I wear something that shows off my latest weight loss because I really hope people comment, and then I will feel even more special and motivated to lose even more weight...

Notice what is missing here?  How about.. friends!  The people!  The atmosphere!  The conversations!  I'm not even sure how much I have missed in my life at these gatherings because all I thought about was the food.

Shall I even begin talking about the aftermath of these events?  If I was "good", I felt so proud for days.  Look at me!  I stuck to my plan, I refused the cookie or cake and this means I can lose more weight.  However, if I strayed - and when I did, it was an all or nothing approach - I felt terrible for days and tried to compensate through not eating a whole lot the next few days, or exercising until I could barely stand.

Another thing:  Since I made Saturday mornings my weigh in days, if the social event was on a Friday, restricting was an order to make sure I would see what I thought was an acceptable number the next morning.  If I ended up binging that night, and the scale was "unhappy" the next day, can you guess how I felt?

All this comes to mind recently as my social life has been very active in the last few weeks.  Since I still don't feel fully recovered, I admit that I have been struggling with thoughts of guilt from being overindulgent.  The good news is I am trying to break through it and still keep with my new healthy eating plans, which includes all foods on a daily basis.  Just last night, I had ice cream and some chocolate covered almonds, for instance, without much guilt at all.

There is something else that is strange while being in recovery and being social.  For one thing, some of my friends know I am going through getting over my ED, which I feel shines some sort of indirect spotlight on me.  I wonder:  Will they watch what I eat now to make sure they think I am getting enough?  Will they see that I gained weight and have gone up some sizes?  What will they think of me?

Even more so, because our society has trained women especially to be critical of their bodies, it's hard for me to be social and around the casual conversations that still exist in female circles.  I want to surround myself with people that truly have a healthy view on life.  How can I balance friendships when I have changed and perhaps they have not?  For example, inevitably I will be in conversation with another woman and the remarks always show up, such as "I gotta get back on the diet this week", or "I must work out - I ate a lot this weekend."  Also "I used to be size X and now am size Y (could go either way, up or down)" which unfortunately leads me to the comparison game...  Or "This particular shirt hides all my flaws". 

You get the picture - we have heard all of this before.  And while I have a hard time telling my friends to cut it out, they really do need to cut it out for all of us.  For one thing, it adds nothing to the conversation, the more I think about it.  There's so much to talk about and catch up on when spending time with friends.  Is body bashing, or even body discussing really worth our time?  Another thing:  It does nothing for us.  Personally for me, it's triggering but let's move beyond that - what is it doing to us as women and human beings to constantly bring it up in conversation, or on Facebook?  Is there one day we can go without mentioning such stuff?

I don't want to lose friends, but being in recovery has made me realize I may be constantly fighting the battle of the bulge so to speak - and that is social bulge.  Fat talk, workout talk, diet talk.  It's unhealthy dialogue for me, AND for you.   Looking back on my true ED days, my social events were made up of obsession over these things, and I would take any of it back if I could.  How about you?  How do you feel about conversations where bodies were the only topic?  How did it make you, and everyone else, feel?  If I could ask, please, do it for me, but more importantly, do it for you as well.  Leaving my ED behind, I have re-entered the world of socializing.  Will you join me?