Bodies

In one of my earlier therapy sessions, my psychologist had me do an exercise with women's bodies.  She showed me paintings from the Roman ages, the Renaissance, statues of beautiful big bodied women.  She then showed me images from the latest fashion magazine - waif like, thin, curveless.

"See the difference?  See how bigger, fleshy bodies from back then were the norm, they were desired?"

It's true.  But at the time, I couldn't see that.  Sure, those were the desired female figures.  Back then.

Now, not so much.  Skinny, but toned is in.

Changing my body image was - and still is - this constant puzzle I am trying to assemble.  I have these times where I'm putting the pieces together, seeing the bigger picture.  Other times, I'm searching for the one piece I can't find to complete the picture - the picture being a wholesome image of my own body.


The thing is I still like media.  I know I am being manipulated, but I still want to enjoy fashion.  I can watch a TV show and laugh, despite knowing it is showing a narrow representation of beauty.  If I avoid media, I am avoiding some pleasure in my life, plus we live in a media saturated world.  It's on our social media pages, along the highways, on the radio in the car.  The more we see and hear it on the outside, the more it takes up residence inside of us. 

Therefore, here's what I decided I can do: change the kind of media I see.

One of the most important things I think I did in my recovery to change my body image was surround myself with body positive messages and accompanying images.  I look at images of bigger women, smaller women - all women.  I follow sites that daringly show beautiful photography of real bodies, like Jade Beall's Body Beautiful Project which shows women with sagging bellies, stretch marks and moments in motherhood.  I curate my social media pages to follow only body and recovery positive organizations, pages and people.  I turn my face away and force myself to say "that's bullshit" when I see a message that does nothing to honor one's body in their current state.  The more I see different messages, bodily imperfections and flesh, it changes my mind - quite literally, I am rewiring my brain to see something other than the models and skinny girls.

I still look at the skinny girls - they are real too.  That's just it.  There is no one "real" body.  Some look like Heidi Klum, some don't.  Look around at every single person around you.  Every single body is shaped differently.  We live in a body diverse world and yet because we are exposed to only one ideal, we simply don't appreciate what else is out there.

Now when I think back to the exercise my therapist had me do in the beginning, I get it.  I wasn't supposed to automatically love big bodies at that moment, nor was I expected to hate on skinny bodes, but rather I was to look at something different than what I had been seeing for years.  Surround myself with the real, with it all - skinny, big, regular, all of it.