Closet

This weekend, thinking about a quick summer trip I am taking to Vegas, I decided to try on my swim suits.  With the weather being in the negative Fahrenheit degrees on a consistent basis this month (no lie), I was begging to feel somewhat sunny and warm.

Trying on a swim suit is every woman's worst nightmare, right?  Or so we are told.  Or so that may be true, who knows.  For me, it's always been a battle, but this time it wasn't.

Did I feel a little trepidation trying on my swim suits?  Of course, the thought always crosses my mind trying on anything, let alone something skin tight and revealing.  But I knew my intentions were elsewhere - to daydream of drinking pina coladas by the pool in the boiling summer heat (I love hot summers, BRING IT)

I've been fortunate in my life to have lived in two bedrooms with walk in closets.  My bedroom at my parents house, which my sister occupied first before moving out, had a closet that you could pretty much step into.  There was no mirror, but that is where many of my nice dresses, pants and other items were stored.  Now, in my husband's and my log cabin, we built a custom walk in closet, full with a mirror, shelves for shoes (yes!) and plenty of organized space.  It has a door and a leopard print carpet.

The door is key - I can retreat to this closet and shut it.  There, no one can find me.  I'm locked in my own world of fashion and my thoughts.

I love my walk in closet - the one I have now and the one I had as a teenager.  But make no mistake about it - they were also prisons.  Chambers of secrets only the walls and mirrors know.  A hidden den of sizes, measuring tapes and scales - everything was kept there.  Entering the closet was like meeting God at the end of life - complete judgement day.

My current closet has stories of ED and stories of recovery.  When we first moved in the house, I was fully in my EDNOS and then slipped right back into severe restriction.  The mirror seemed to record every wince, cry and look of anger on my face when I tried clothes on.  It also knows the blank stares as I look at my flaws, and the triumphant "yes!" exclamations of fitting into a small size.  The closet occupied the smallest sizes I could fit into, and my "fat" clothes were kept in the back.  Heaven forbid I ever bring those back out again, but let's just keep them as a reminder of how "huge" I used to be..

The closet has recovered along with me.  During the first phases, time spent in the closet were mixed - ones of frustration, others of trying to look into that mirror and say I am beautiful, and never believing it.  I thought many times of taking a marker or lipstick and writing messages on the mirror to remind myself I am beautiful and full of worth, but I never did.  I knew those messages had to come from the inside, not a tube of lipstick.

The closet has seen a turnover, maybe even a makeover of sorts.  The small clothes fell to the back while the "fat" ones fell forward, and sure enough just became clothes I wore again.  The small clothes finally were vacated and new sizes and styles came in.  The mirror started seeing less shame from not fitting into the small sizes and acceptance of fitting into bigger ones.

Today, the closet and the mirror are back to basics, as they should be.  My closet holds a variety of sizes, newer, more modern clothing and shoes.  The mirror sees less trauma and body checking and a lot more positive remarks on my outfit or look.  The judgement gets shoved in the back, and maybe some old clothes too though they are usually dumped faster than in the past.

Trying on my swim suit was monumental as I got rid of a couple pieces that really didn't work for me anymore.  Most of all, I made that space my own - the excitement of the summer coming, the notion that I still own some cute suits and maybe even excited that I can go shopping for some new ones. The closet has become a place I can daydream without the ED.  I don't want to imagine anymore how something will look 10 pounds from now.  I don't want to put myself in this false fantasy world that everything will look and be better once I lose weight or start controlling my food.  This experience took this space from cloudy and dreary to the sunshine I was imagining filling my body.