Healthy

If you have an eating disorder, today can be the toughest day you've had in a long time.

Sure, the holidays were hard.  All that food, parties, socializing, anxiety.  Things our EDs love to tantalize us with.

But today is so hard.  The Monday after New Years.  There are no parties, no cookies in the work break room.  And this, today, is where our entire nation starts their new years resolution to lose weight by going on diets, working out and hanging up dresses in our closets two sizes smaller than what we have now.

If you are in recovery, you can't partake in this tomfoolery.  It's not part of you anymore, even if you want to be.  You just aren't allowed to do that anymore, and it sucks because you feel capital "L" Left Out.  And your ED?  Well, that's just screaming at you to get on board with the lose weight revolution (again).

Before Christmas was over, and certainly before the new year was upon us, my feeds were flooded with intentions of diets and getting healthy.  I noticed a huge trend this year and it didn't include the words "diet".  Instead, I often saw intentions of getting healthier marked with many diet-laden actions such as cutting out food groups, exercising a certain number times per week, and getting into that wedding dress (old or new).

Before I go even further, I think a goal of becoming healthier is an admirable one if done with the right intentions.  Here's the thing - replacing words like "diet" and "losing weight" with the words "healthier" or (and I hate this one) "better self" with the wishful thinking that weight loss will be a by-product of all this, is simply THE SAME THING ordering prepared meals from NutriSystem and striving to fit into a teeny tiny size. 

I was particularly confused with the "healthier" mantra coming from one of my eating disorder organizations.  While I'm sure they meant get healthier in terms of your ED, it still looked like the same old product with different packaging.

Here's a resolution:  Can we stop giving weight loss different names?  Can we strive to be healthier but really mean it without losing weight?  What would being healthy mean to you, or me, if we really took "health" for what it really is?

When I was in my ED, this was my favorite time of year.  And by favorite, I mean the most determined and probably the most sick.  From January 1 until March 19th, my birthday, it was always the goal to lose more pounds, to lose another size.  It psyched me up and I couldn't wait for the challenge to lose some pounds and sizes.  I would take myself shopping on my birthday just to get smaller sizes, and hopefully I would have been successful at getting there.  The best part was the world supported me.  Everyone was doing it, and I had all the help I could get.  Grocery stores would start labeling their products in coordination with the new diets out there.  Social media poured in with inspirational messages to never give up, keep going, no pain no gain.  Coworkers joined gyms and I tagged along.  When I was complimented on my weight loss months later, I was asked how I would do it.  Look at me, I was inspiring others by my obsessive determination!

All during that time, nothing was around me - just my ED, my exercise routine, mirrors and scales.  And my birthday became a day for a weight loss goal, a day to celebrate less of me, literally.

Today, the Monday after new years, 2015, things are no different than last week.  I packed myself a full, nutritious lunch with a few "bad things".  I will make pizza for my husband and I tonight and maybe have some chocolate.  There may be some goodies eaten at some point this week, I'm not sure.  I don't plan anymore, I listen to my body.  I give it what it wants, and sometimes I give it what it doesn't particularly want for whatever reason.  I will eat until I am full this week, give or take a couple bites.  I will workout when I feel like it, when my body says I can - in fact, I can't wait to swim on Friday morning because I try to every Friday morning, if I can.  The ebbs and flow of life will happen this week and next and well into spring, summer, fall and back over the holidays again.

Does this look like a picture of health?  Sure does, and that is what real health is.  No restriction, no elevating exercise routines.  Just living.

If you want to resolve to be healthy in a conventional sense, be mindful. Example: try to eat less salt if you have blood pressure issues.  Have less sugar if you're dealing with diabetes or other reactions.  Give yourself permission and forgiveness to not follow these plans once in a while - things happen.

Work on the part that is you, imperfect and exploring life at any size. Work on life - our full, messy, shitty, funny, unique, beautiful life.