Fat is a feeling

Over and over again, I see the same message from ED-recovery organizations and groups.  They say "Fat is not a feeling".

Grammatically, this makes total sense.  You can't feel blue eyes, or brunette.  You can feel sad, angry, happy, etc.  I get it - fat is not a feeling.

If we want to get technical, it would be better to say "I feel as though I am fat".  But let's face it, that's too long.  That's really what we mean too when we say we feel fat - we feel as though we are large, taking up space, not fitting in our clothes, and appearing unattractive, which are all bad things in our world.

I still say "I feel fat" on days I feel that I am.  And what I mean by this is yes, I feel I have gained weight.  I feel sad, or frustrated.  All these things come under the umbrella phrase "I feel fat".

Which is why I get really annoyed when I am told by ED recovery powers that be that fat is not a feeling.  For many reasons.

One, stop with the grammar police.  When I'm in a situation of mixed emotions and frustration, I really don't care to be told why I am using incorrect word usage.  Besides, in a colloquial setting, using "lay term" language is more than acceptable, in my opinion. 

Secondly, I can't shake how utterly dismissive this statement is.  Because when I say "I feel fat", I really do mean I feel all those things I mentioned above.  "I feel fat" is a phrase many of us EDies can relate to - we get exactly what that means, whether or not it's a feeling or not.  If I say I am feeling fat, it's an invitation to talk it out, figure why I feel any of those things that fall under this term.  Being told it's not a feeling does nothing to get rid of the nasty uncomfortableness I am experiencing. 

While I am on the subject of phrases which don't help someone with an ED feel better, allow me to throw some others out there.

One message I heard all the time in the beginning of my disorder was how others had it worse than me.  There are people who quite literally are starving because they live in poverty, are medically ill (ED or not) or are terribly disadvantaged.  There are people who go to war and come back without limbs, or are harmed in other ways.  There are those with cancer, with disabilities, who live in abuse.  There is always someone who has it worse and how trivial to worry about being fat.  This is true - I am fortunate in many ways. 

Yet, being told others have it worse than me, again, dismisses the idea that I am struggling with something real.  A comparison of how my pain may not be as bad as others is insensitive at best.  Dismissing my thoughts and feelings doesn't make them go away, rather it makes them fester with guilt and shame for even struggling in the first place.

Another thing I just saw floating around the internet was a cartoon depicting animals and quotes around them, saying you would never starve an animal, or feed it until it was sick - therefore, why would you do the same to yourself?  Again, completely true - I would never treat my cat like that, or any animal.  And why would I treat myself any differently?  Well, I don't know - and that's the struggle, because while I would not starve a cat, I wouldn't think twice about doing that to myself.  This cartoon, while making me feel bad, has not answered my question and only exasperates the guilt.

All this boils down to the fact that people with eating disorders express their pain through their disorder, and instead of criticizing what they say, or giving them cute cartoons, let's listen.  Let's dissect the conversation, get to the heart and start healing from there.  If I say "I feel fat", just ask why.