Shopping

The last couple times I walked into mall or store, I felt pretty underwhelmed by the clothing.  Maybe this year's fashions aren't my fancy.  Or maybe I just have everything that the stores have, and I'm still fitting into most of my clothing from last fall and winter (hooray recovery plateau?).  But I got to thinking it might just be something else.

I was always into clothes as long as I can remember.  I couldn't wait for the back to school outfit and I was buying spring stuff in February. When I was in my ED and a size that I thought was just great, I became enamored with fashion.  I felt that for once I could wear nearly anything that was in the store.  I felt things fit me better, I believed they looked better and so the love affair began.  And while this sounds delightful, it wasn't all glamorous.

Going into a store the other day, I was reminded how when I was in my ED, many times shopping was simply for and because my ED.  Yes, I still loved clothes but my experience was different than getting a new outfit.  It became a competition with myself.  Can I fit into that store's size X?  If so, I am great and awesome.  If not, I either needed to do better to lose weight or I blamed it on the store running small, mentally marking it as "places to never shop at again".  That said, if I liked something and it did not fit in the size I desired, the item of clothing was not purchased.  When stores introduced vanity sizing, they had people like me in mind.

And on the opposite end, if I found something in size X that fit me, not matter how much I liked it or didn't particularly care for it, it was mine for the keeping.  I bought so many things over the years that I didn't exactly love just because it was a size I liked.  And even when money was low (which with my first jobs out of college, was most of the time), that didn't mean the game didn't stop.  I got off by going into stores I knew I would fit in, picking up a ton of items in size X, trying them on just to see if they fit and basing the quality of my day on that.  I still feel guilty making the floor sales assistants putting back all my ED-tinged clothing after my all of my checking trips.

Perhaps my shopping has changed because I'm still a bit afraid of the size I am now, so I do more avoiding than I have in the past. But, I've made progress with this and how I know is from my recent experiences going shopping.  It has become more practical in addition to fun.  I've found some neat pieces to update my wardrobe and the size has not bothered me as much.  And, just like food has become simply food, clothing is starting become just that - clothing.  Like food, it serves and purpose and is meant to be enjoyed.  There is no moral statement to be made if something fits me in a smaller size than something else that runs in larger sizes. I've known about vanity sizing for years, even in my ED but I never quite wanted to believe it.  Now, I know that big name stores intentionally put different numbers on items depending on the cut, design and most importantly, who they are marketing towards.

When clothing becomes just clothing, I become a smarter shopper.  ED is not telling me what to buy, but rather, I am.  I'm getting things that fit now and they feel great.  I'm still unsure where my body will end up, and I still struggle with going up sizes here and there.  Someday, I hope it won't matter at all.