Perfect?

It is my intention to surround myself with recovery and body positive media, particularly on social media (unashamedly, you can find me at LuvGeddy on Twitter!)  It is through Twitter where I am finding some great sources of inspiration, information and people committed to changing the conversation around eating disorders, bodies and our food culture.

One thing that has been popping up a lot is the idea of a Perfect Recovery.  I've written before on the look that is sometimes given to recovery, but now we're talking about the overall ideal of what recovery should (bad word!) and can be.  Is this notion that there is one vision for recovery bad for us?  It seems it could be doing more harm than good.

I'm fortunate that my therapist has never asked me what I imagine being recovered is like.  I've never been asked to make a goal sheet or get to this stage where all of the sudden - Aha!  I am recovered!  And now I can understand why.  It's nearly impossible to think that far ahead when you start, and you never know when you've made it.  Or, you think you've made it and then the next day, you're back into your ED head.  In a sense, my therapist has made me realize there isn't a perfect recovery.

I have given a lot of thought about where I want to be in my life in terms of my ED.  For example, the following are examples of what I would consider if I were 100% recovered:

- I would never think twice about food other than if it looks good, tastes good and makes me feel good.  I would not give a thought to the calories, the kind of food and certainly never label with the Good or Bad titles.
- I would never think twice about my clothing size.  I will buy what fits and leave the store excited that I got some new outfits, not upset because of the numbers on the clothes not being what I wished for.
- I will always love my body and what it looks like.  I will never be judgemental in photographs of myself.


These examples really just scratch the surface.  In reality, I have smaller, deeper wishes, like forgetting how many calories a run burns.  Etc. etc. etc...

But what if I forget this notion that I need to have all these things to be recovered?  Or, rather I'd like the have these things most of the time.  For example, most of the time I go shopping or put on clothes I own, I will feel OK about how they fit.  When I eat, I mostly think about how I'm looking forward to eating and nourishing my body.  Would that be ok?

My nutritionist put things in perspective for me.  We were talking about food and in this instance, I was asked my goals around food as I move forward.  She brought up the notion of not just intuitive eating, but educated intuitive eating - that is eating what you want but making choices at the same time.  For example, if you want a donut, go ahead and eat it, but just have one or two because you know many donuts will perhaps give you a sugar crash.  Or, you'll be full on donuts and your next meal might be interrupted because of that.  In other words, eat the donut(s), knowing the choices are in your hands. Imperfectly eating is a wonderful thing.

Our culture is obsessed with food, exercise and aesthetics and I'm beginning to realize how unhealthy these attitudes are.  No wonder so many of us struggle, and no wonder so many of us succumb  to terrible disorders.  And no wonder I can't live a single day without hearing someone (mostly women) talk about food, exercise or bodies in unhealthy and damaging ways.  This is why recovery is so difficult - there is hardly any avoiding to be accomplished in the world we live in.

With that, I think we can allow ourselves imperfect recoveries.  In my opinion, the word itself - perfect - is an oxymoron.  What truly is perfect?  Who thinks something is perfect and someone else does not?  The word has no place in conversation if it does not exist naturally in our lives, right?

So perhaps I'm feeling imperfectly recovered.  I will have days where this is not so, and days where it feels almost perfect.  And perhaps... I can feel perfectly fine with all of this.