10 things that are different now that I have recovered from my eating disorder

Since lists are all the buzz nowadays (see what I did there?), I thought I would compile my own.  I've been thinking a lot how my life has changed since recovering, and one day while sitting in a cafe, I made a list.  So, may I have a drumroll please...

10 THINGS THAT ARE DIFFERENT NOW THAT I HAVE RECOVERED FROM MY EATING DISORDER.

1.  I talk about food differently.  When I describe something yummy I ate to someone, that's what I talk about.  Was it salty?  Savory?  Sweet?  Or maybe bland?  I don't put adjectives like "good" or "bad" when it comes to food - or onto myself when talking about food (i.e. I had a brownie - it was yummy but I was SO BAD!")  Actually, I feel like I've become a bit of a foodie and I get excited to try new things.  Now that I don't need to know how many calories are in foods I've never had, the barriers are down.  I get to enjoy some of the best stuff on earth.  (sorry Snapple, I'm not talking about you here, though my heart will always have a tender spot for strawberry kiwi).


2.  I eat "healthier".  Since I have issues with the word healthy when it comes to food (it's the new "good"), it's hard for me to say I eat better, or worse or whatever.  But I eat with a good balance - 30% fuel, 30% enjoyment and the rest cultural or social.  What I mean by that is when I choose foods, I try to be purposeful about it.  If I feel I am lacking in protein or vegetables for the day, I'll make more of an effort to eat these if I can, and many times my cravings tell me what I need as well.  I want to enjoy everything I eat for the most part (hence 30%).  I might not always want to eat a fresh snack, so some days I do have a cookie instead.  Culturally speaking, food really is a social activity.  Most meals involve some sort of social engagement whether it's family dinner, lunch with colleagues or going to a party.  It's all complex but without ED, the equation is pretty simple to live by.

3.  I get sick less often.  This is not to say I never get sick - I am still human and viruses and other nasty bugs still exist in this world.  However, I get colds less often.  Usually every autumn when school starts and people head indoors from the cooler weather, I'm automatically coming down with the sniffles, an event that repeats itself through the winter.  Last year, I was stunned when not only did I not get my autumn cold, but I didn't get sick until the winter was good and here.  When I was in ED, I was running myself down so much nutritionally and physically, my immune system was practically shot.  It never failed that when I started a new workout regimen and diet plan (also known as Monday after a binge weekend), I'd be spent by Wednesday - down for the count.  I take better care of my body by feeding it and giving it rest when it needs and as a result, my body is better equipped to ward off constant sickness. 

4.  I concentrate better.  When I am at work or particularly when I go to a presentation or conference, I am better able to pay attention.  For one, I'm not starving my brain of nutrients so my "thinker" works better.  I'm also not giving time and energy into thinking about food or my body all the time.  I don't have to ignore my stomach rumbling or constantly wonder if my pants are loose enough or not.  I think about what is going on in the present and as a result, I am a better thinker, worker and learner. 

5.  I'm generally happier when having conversations with people.  While still an introvert and being able to take only so much of people at once, I'm more confident when speaking with people.  I don't have to worry about how I appear to them, and I feel more confident overall.

6.  I shop smarter.  I own a variety of sizes in my closet and most of the time I don't think about them.  I used to never buy clothes that were above my skinny size - that would mean I was larger than I thought I was.  I know that store sizes vary from one style of jeans to another even, and I realize that the sizes may all be different but I have the same body I did a few moments ago.  Also, I don't just buy things because they happen to be a small size (yup - I used to do that).  I purchase clothes because I like them and they make me feel pretty, or fun. 

7.  I workout better.  Instead of training for grueling long distance events in or forcing myself to stick to exercise plans, I workout when I want to - and for however long I want to.  As I write this, I'm sitting in my cycling clothes because I just went out for about a two hour ride.  Why two hours?  Why so long?  It's a beautiful day.  I'm on vacation (whoo!)  I really wanted to ride my bike down by the lake which is some distance down, and by down I mean also coming back up to home and that just takes time.  Yes, those are hills I'm talking about!  I had no tracking device - no garmin, fitbit or phone app.  Just me, the road and full-octane gatorade and snacks so I had energy.  I mention "full octane" gatorade because when I was in ED, all I drank was low calorie sports drinks, which my nutritionist claimed was the dumbest invention ever made in the food industry - sports drinks have calories, sugar and sodium because you need that on long workouts.  And when I got home, I made sure I ate properly to recover well.  I also took a peek at some photos I took when I stopped along the road - because I actually stop now to smell the roses, so to speak, instead of beating myself up for wanting to take a rest.

8.  My weight is stable.  The last two or three times I went to the doctor, my weight was exactly the same on the dot.  Sure, I know I fluctuate but for the most part, I stay within the range that is good for my body.  I stopped worrying about my weight, and my weight stopped bouncing all over the place. 

9. I compare myself less to others - especially body wise.  For those with ED or other body image issues, it's embarrassing to admit we look at others' bodies with a certain eye - are they skinner than me?  larger?  What size does she wear?  When I realized my own size had nothing to do with my personality or other traits, the comparisons to others went way down.  There are many times I don't notice what a person's body looks like any more, and if I do, it's just something I saw, that's it.  I want to get to know people for who they are, not for what size they wear or how much they weigh.

10.  I see everything differently, really.  My ED used to control so much of my thoughts - before I even got out of bed in the morning, I'd be planning my restriction and exercise for the day, and body checking to see if I was still small enough.  Now I'm able to plan for other things.  I'm able to see and appreciate beauty.  I'm also able to feel emotions more, which is hard since many of them can be painful.  I get to figure out how I want to live now - what is fun for me?  What purpose do I have?  This can be a battle in and of itself and it can be frightening and exciting.